Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
