the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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