I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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