put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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