Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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