Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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