Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
