New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
