Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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