Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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