Me. At least after what I've been through.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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