Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
