First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Randomize
