Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
