when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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