also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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