omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
