it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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