So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
