Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
