look no pants
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
