I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
