His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i believe in u and ur pee
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
