I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
