phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
