youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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