i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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