Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
