He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
