Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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