While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
