now i know why i became what i already was.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
