I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
