Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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