last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ttyl tear gas
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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