I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
