I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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