is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize