i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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