i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize