I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
