We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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