Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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