you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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