this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
