i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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