You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize