I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
