I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
