I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
