she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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