Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
