Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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