Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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