Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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