cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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